Sometimes you just have to stop, close your eyes and let the world slow down.
Sometimes life simply moves too fast.
I had to do this today.
It might have taken a governmental authority to physically stop me,
flashing blue and red lights and all...
just. to. get. me. to. stop.
Mourn. Mourn change. Mourn age. Mourn memories.
Memories that are no longer reality.
Maturing girls who are no longer tender little children but adults, with real problems, real struggles, and real sadness.
Adults who the life they look back at is a longer life, than the life that lies ahead.
And even older adults who think more about saying goodbye than hello.
So I slowed down today, I stopped racing from one errand to the next, I stopped.
I sat in my car and wept.
Not knowing at first why I was weeping, but then realizing, this one simple reality.
Life is short, and it moves too fast.
Before we know it, the treasures of today will be distant and fading memories.
How am I holding on to the treasures of this moment? How am I giving this reality here and now my everything before it does become a memory. May I give my best, all that I am, in this moment. With this parent, sister, brother, grandmother, grandfather, friend, patient, person. So that when it does become a memory, it's cherished, full, complete, and free from any regret.
16 May, 2012
08 May, 2012
when love wins...
Lately, infrequent and treasured mornings off have been
savored on a cool breezy patio at my parents house. Other than the hours of
mesmerized gazes at the rushing waterfall in front of me, surrounded by
brightly colored tropical plants under the shade of aged oak trees; many cups
of coffee have been sipped, books have been devoured, treasured memories have
been journaled, prayers silently prayed and lengthy day dreams have been
dreamt. This has been "my place", my place of comfort, of leisure, of
retreat, of rejuvenation. It has been my place that I can escape to, the place
that strengthens me to go back to the blaring, busy world, filled with people,
problems and pain.
Although
today is different than most days I've spent here. Today there's a little bit
of sadness in my heart, but a lot of celebration. The days of enjoying my
mornings here in "my place" will end soon. This season is coming to a
close, but a new season is beginning, one that has been waiting for me for a
long, greatly anticipated time. For a moment I set aside the peace and quiet of
the morning, disrupted only by the red birds singing in the background, and
allowed an unexpected interruption by DJ Antoine's throbbing techno rendition
of, "This Time" fill my ears. Before I knew it, with the help of the
high dose of caffeine I had already consumed this morning, a little dance party
broke out between Nikita and I. Tears began streaming down my eyes at the
realization of what our little celebratory party was really about.
I go
through random phases when I love house music. I always find my unquenchable
love for those crazy beats bizarre, being that most of my music taste is
completely opposite than its synthesized drum machines, hi-hat symbols, and
repetitive 4/4 beats. It energizes me, inspires me to unpack all my "high
on life" feelings that sometimes drown in the the mundane of today, and it
reminds me of that little, "wild and crazy Britany" that my more
mature, sophisticated side tries to pretend does not exist.
Today as
Nikita and I carelessly jam, in the best, middle of suburbia, back porch,
bed-head, and pj's kind-of way, I'm reminded of my last techno obsessed phase.
I'm reminded of the way I was drawn to its blaring beat that took over all of
the audible space in my brain, without any remaining room for the too often
plaguing thoughts, questions, fears, convictions, and disappointments of those
days. When life was silent the piercing screams in my brain took over.
"Has everything I have ever believed actually been a lie? Are all the dreams
of what I hoped my life would become destroyed forever? Will anyone ever love
me again if they knew all that I have done? Will I ever taste the thirst
quenching fountain of peace again?" Peace. The only medicine that could
truly quiet my anxious soul. The only cure for the calamity of noise in my
brain. Peace was no where to be found. And so that synthesized beat played on,
and on. It became the jolt of electricity that drove my lifeless soul, the only
force that kept the rigor mortis from setting in. It diminished insecurity,
empowered irresponsibility, and birthed a false sense of immortality. Most of
all it became the drug that transplanted me into another psychedelic world,
where nothing else mattered, but that one strobe lit, fog smothered moment.
And this
is when the tears began to flow. Flooded with memories of resignations to never
delight in that techno beat again, convinced it would only ever remind me of my
destructive addicted state. But today Nikita and I danced to a new found beat.
The pride in my heart paralleled the recovering alcoholic in the moment it was
time to pick up that treasured chip, marking six months of accomplished
sobriety. For a moment time stopped, I breathed deep, fresh air fills my lungs,
the Peace I once longed for hydrates my heart, and the Love that I thought I
would never know, actually never left me. I wake up every morning in its
embrace, and I drift off to sleep to the whisper of its affections at night.
And I am carried throughout the day with the beautiful rhythm of it's song. And
now, with tear filled eyes in this suburban solitude, we jam. Because today
these electronic beats no longer serve to silence a war infested mind, but to
celebrate what happens when Love wins.
09 January, 2011
A family I admire
There is this family that I admire.
I have secretly admired them for a very long time.
It all started in a old, tan, honda civic my freshman year in high school.
This girl named Emily took me to school, on my fist day of HIGH SCHOOL!!
I have a bad memory (usually). But I remember that morning.
I was proud to be with her.
She was my hero. She was a senior. She was cool.
And she loved Jesus, alot.
And I admired her.
And even though I was in a huge socially awkward stage,
she was my friend, a very sweet friend.
I remember going to her house and playing "Catch Phrase" with her parents.
I admired her parents.
I had never met two people who were sweeter to each other.
I don't think I've ever heard her dad say anything cross.
And he always has the sweetest smile on his face.
And her mother, Mrs. Susanna, was marked with gentleness and kindness.
I didn't always get to see her that often, but when I did,
there was never a sweeter smile, and a more tender voice.
I admired her mother.
Emily has a sister named Rachel.
I have secretly admired Rachel for a long time :)
Rachel has this ability to spill her heart, in a way I have never seen before.
She has a way of saying, I struggle, and life is hard, but God is good.
And sometimes that's what you need to hear.
Rachel will never know all the ways her words have mended my broken heart.
They have provided encouragement in a desert.
This family has been a family I have admired because they have been nice.
But sometimes it's easy to be nice.
Especially when life is good.
But the past couple years life hasn't always been easy, or good.
Cancer made a home in Mrs. Susanna's body.
Stuggles with infertility knocked on their door,
But God was faithful, and Issac was born...
and they fought though a roller-coster ride of international adoption.
But though grace they endured. And Jane is now a part of the family.
Mrs. Susanna's biggest prayer through her struggle
was to welcome these grand-babies into the family.
And her prayers were answered.
Through it all they have still been nice, as usual.
But so much more than that, they have remained faithful.
And Jesus has given great strength.
"Mama, I just need you to know that I'm not overcome. I am not in despair. I am not left hopeless. I have never ever been so filled with hope. I have never been so intimate with my Prince of Peace. I have never felt more loved by our family and our friends. And so I just need you to know that I am ok." -Rachel
Mrs. Susanna went to be with Jesus, January 2.
Her struggle remains no more.
She's sitting at the feet of Jesus now,
no more pain, no more suffering, no more cancer.
Her life is a legacy.
Her daughters are evidence of her faithfulness,
and the mercy of Jesus.
And they are a beacon of light of the hope and life Jesus can bring.
And I am so grateful for that Light.
Thank you Abbey Saxton Guffey for capturing such great memories with your photography.
http://abbeysaxton.com/
I have secretly admired them for a very long time.
It all started in a old, tan, honda civic my freshman year in high school.
This girl named Emily took me to school, on my fist day of HIGH SCHOOL!!
I have a bad memory (usually). But I remember that morning.
I was proud to be with her.
She was my hero. She was a senior. She was cool.
And she loved Jesus, alot.
And I admired her.
And even though I was in a huge socially awkward stage,
she was my friend, a very sweet friend.
I remember going to her house and playing "Catch Phrase" with her parents.
I admired her parents.
I had never met two people who were sweeter to each other.
I don't think I've ever heard her dad say anything cross.
And he always has the sweetest smile on his face.
And her mother, Mrs. Susanna, was marked with gentleness and kindness.
I didn't always get to see her that often, but when I did,
there was never a sweeter smile, and a more tender voice.
I admired her mother.
Emily has a sister named Rachel.
I have secretly admired Rachel for a long time :)
Rachel has this ability to spill her heart, in a way I have never seen before.
She has a way of saying, I struggle, and life is hard, but God is good.
And sometimes that's what you need to hear.
Rachel will never know all the ways her words have mended my broken heart.
They have provided encouragement in a desert.
This family has been a family I have admired because they have been nice.
But sometimes it's easy to be nice.
Especially when life is good.
But the past couple years life hasn't always been easy, or good.
Cancer made a home in Mrs. Susanna's body.
Stuggles with infertility knocked on their door,
But God was faithful, and Issac was born...
and they fought though a roller-coster ride of international adoption.
But though grace they endured. And Jane is now a part of the family.
Mrs. Susanna's biggest prayer through her struggle
was to welcome these grand-babies into the family.
And her prayers were answered.
Through it all they have still been nice, as usual.
But so much more than that, they have remained faithful.
And Jesus has given great strength.
"Mama, I just need you to know that I'm not overcome. I am not in despair. I am not left hopeless. I have never ever been so filled with hope. I have never been so intimate with my Prince of Peace. I have never felt more loved by our family and our friends. And so I just need you to know that I am ok." -Rachel
Mrs. Susanna went to be with Jesus, January 2.
Her struggle remains no more.
She's sitting at the feet of Jesus now,
no more pain, no more suffering, no more cancer.
Her life is a legacy.
Her daughters are evidence of her faithfulness,
and the mercy of Jesus.
And they are a beacon of light of the hope and life Jesus can bring.
And I am so grateful for that Light.
Thank you Abbey Saxton Guffey for capturing such great memories with your photography.
http://abbeysaxton.com/
W.O.W Topic #3 A Week of Reviews
asia meets latin america, meets rusty america
the tables aren't polished and the floors unfinished
but you cross through the door and it's like coming home
a solace of confession
a quiet hibernation that one who had once been silenced,
will now be listened too.
this is cafe hey.
where the coffee comes in soup bowl mugs
enough to drink for 5 days
and they sell beer that's not Miller Light.
breakfast all day? crazy soups of the day?
this is your place.
http://www.cafehey.com/
1540 N. Franklin Avenue
Tampa Florida 33602
the tables aren't polished and the floors unfinished
but you cross through the door and it's like coming home
a solace of confession
a quiet hibernation that one who had once been silenced,
will now be listened too.
this is cafe hey.
where the coffee comes in soup bowl mugs
enough to drink for 5 days
and they sell beer that's not Miller Light.
breakfast all day? crazy soups of the day?
this is your place.
http://www.cafehey.com/
1540 N. Franklin Avenue
Tampa Florida 33602
24 December, 2010
WOW Topic #2. ungratefulness.
ungratefulness is like a disease
it creeps up slowly when you least expect it
just when you think you are healthy
little do you know a deadly tumor is growing
it starts. with just, one, small, justifiable complaint
customer service, no biggie, the customer is always right, right?
but then all around you, you world grows dim
while everyone is trying to give, you just cant even see it
you have become, blinded, blinded by...the tumor of ungratefulness
It's a cancer that robs you of all gifts
when ungratefulness is your disease you are unable to receive
beauty reaches out her hand, and you turn your head... and sniff demanding, you are all deserving, "Come save me, cause I'm so worthy" but really? who is it you really see loose up those greedy clenched fist,
open your arms it's time to give,
and then you'll finally get it that all along, you've been given life,
and it's a good as you decide to make it
it creeps up slowly when you least expect it
just when you think you are healthy
little do you know a deadly tumor is growing
it starts. with just, one, small, justifiable complaint
customer service, no biggie, the customer is always right, right?
but then all around you, you world grows dim
while everyone is trying to give, you just cant even see it
you have become, blinded, blinded by...the tumor of ungratefulness
It's a cancer that robs you of all gifts
when ungratefulness is your disease you are unable to receive
beauty reaches out her hand, and you turn your head... and sniff demanding, you are all deserving, "Come save me, cause I'm so worthy" but really? who is it you really see loose up those greedy clenched fist,
open your arms it's time to give,
and then you'll finally get it that all along, you've been given life,
and it's a good as you decide to make it
WOW Topic #1. inspiration.
Inspiration.
There's nothing that kills inspiration more than chaos…
One moment muddled to the next,
Coerced by obligation, Blinded by busyness, depleted by to-dos.
Life can become a roller-coster ride, that will take one on an amnesia inducing journey faster than what you bargained for.
One day you step off the ride, and realize years have passed before your eyes since you took time to stop and enjoy life.
But in that moment of clarity you look around you, and once again...
the world comes alive.
Beauty around you is born
Inspiration reveals it's veiled face.
This is my moment, I keep discovering again and again.
In its sweetness I taste, and delight.
I had almost forgotten it's wonder. I had almost given up.
Given up on searching.
Given up on longing.
Painful hunger conquered.
Almost, but not.
It would not relinquish it's fight.
Because I, once again am inspired.
Creation. In the beginning. Page one, history books, religious recordings,
all memories start here.
Something is made. God creates.
All life as we know it, begins... with a gigantic piece of art.
Creation inspires me.
He created self sustaining life
He created us to create
It has become our own work, survival, and art
Creation doesn't just end at "making something"
It drives down to the very depth of providence.
Design, it's the exercise of will, decision, and perfection.
Love. I'm inspired by Love. Faithful sacrifice.
Love that endures past the days that are always pretty and fun,
into the days covered in wrinkles, and filled with things like, colonoscopies.
Love that even had enough steam to chug the train all the way home,
when it's time to break down the beautiful mahogany bed
bought on the 25th anniversary,
and exchange it for a not-so-luxurious, ugly brownish metal one.
Operated by remote controls to prevent bed sores.
Love that lasts long enough to help change her 'depends'
when she can't quite make it...
Love holds her hand when the morphine isn't strong enough...
And when she decides, "treatment" is not longer an option...
I'm inspired by love that lasts a lifetime.
Purpose. Rob a man of purpose, rob him of life itself.
There's a moment when one discovers. "This was what I was made for,
There's nothing other way in the world I'd rather spend my life"
The one who finds this, and follows it, by this... I am inspired.
Destiny...or I should say, providence, to technically be "theologically correct".
All the supposed perfection of our prized personal plans shatters to pieces
and something else remains.
Something planned, designed, hand crafted, with precise intention.
Little did we know, this something is more breathtakingly beautiful that we could have ever perceived.
Suddenly the ashes of expectations we once held so dear,
blow away in a glimpse of this unimaginable glorious storm of destiny.
I'm inspired by daddies that hold their daughter's hands when they take them on dates and teach them what to expect from a man.
I'm inspired by soldiers who fight, I don't always understand why there's a fight for what it is for, but I'm inspired that they continue in battle at the cost of all things comfortable.
I'm inspired by honest melodies that can bring tears to your eyes, warm cozy rooms with dim lights, silver snow falling, and the setting sun that kisses me goodnight with it's fading beams of light.
I'm so often tempted to look for the great big, monumental things, when all a long it's the small things that we pass by each day that bring the most life.
Let me no longer be a passer by.
There's nothing that kills inspiration more than chaos…
One moment muddled to the next,
Coerced by obligation, Blinded by busyness, depleted by to-dos.
Life can become a roller-coster ride, that will take one on an amnesia inducing journey faster than what you bargained for.
One day you step off the ride, and realize years have passed before your eyes since you took time to stop and enjoy life.
But in that moment of clarity you look around you, and once again...
the world comes alive.
Beauty around you is born
Inspiration reveals it's veiled face.
This is my moment, I keep discovering again and again.
In its sweetness I taste, and delight.
I had almost forgotten it's wonder. I had almost given up.
Given up on searching.
Given up on longing.
Painful hunger conquered.
Almost, but not.
It would not relinquish it's fight.
Because I, once again am inspired.
Creation. In the beginning. Page one, history books, religious recordings,
all memories start here.
Something is made. God creates.
All life as we know it, begins... with a gigantic piece of art.
Creation inspires me.
He created self sustaining life
He created us to create
It has become our own work, survival, and art
Creation doesn't just end at "making something"
It drives down to the very depth of providence.
Design, it's the exercise of will, decision, and perfection.
Love. I'm inspired by Love. Faithful sacrifice.
Love that endures past the days that are always pretty and fun,
into the days covered in wrinkles, and filled with things like, colonoscopies.
Love that even had enough steam to chug the train all the way home,
when it's time to break down the beautiful mahogany bed
bought on the 25th anniversary,
and exchange it for a not-so-luxurious, ugly brownish metal one.
Operated by remote controls to prevent bed sores.
Love that lasts long enough to help change her 'depends'
when she can't quite make it...
Love holds her hand when the morphine isn't strong enough...
And when she decides, "treatment" is not longer an option...
I'm inspired by love that lasts a lifetime.
Purpose. Rob a man of purpose, rob him of life itself.
There's a moment when one discovers. "This was what I was made for,
There's nothing other way in the world I'd rather spend my life"
The one who finds this, and follows it, by this... I am inspired.
Destiny...or I should say, providence, to technically be "theologically correct".
All the supposed perfection of our prized personal plans shatters to pieces
and something else remains.
Something planned, designed, hand crafted, with precise intention.
Little did we know, this something is more breathtakingly beautiful that we could have ever perceived.
Suddenly the ashes of expectations we once held so dear,
blow away in a glimpse of this unimaginable glorious storm of destiny.
I'm inspired by daddies that hold their daughter's hands when they take them on dates and teach them what to expect from a man.
I'm inspired by soldiers who fight, I don't always understand why there's a fight for what it is for, but I'm inspired that they continue in battle at the cost of all things comfortable.
I'm inspired by honest melodies that can bring tears to your eyes, warm cozy rooms with dim lights, silver snow falling, and the setting sun that kisses me goodnight with it's fading beams of light.
I'm so often tempted to look for the great big, monumental things, when all a long it's the small things that we pass by each day that bring the most life.
Let me no longer be a passer by.
W.O.W Intro
So I have this friend. She's an amazing writer. Her raw honesty inspires me, and cuts me deep. But somehow in the lull of an uninspiring funk, her writing decided to hibernate. Well, in an attempt to awaken her sleeping bear, I prodded her with a blogging challenge.And I even gave it a fun silly name. W.O.W...I like to call it, write it out Wednesdays. Each Wednesday we challenge each other with various blog topics... (if we actually accomplish it by Wednesday)
Since i myself have also slipped into a wee bit of an uninspired season, we are doing it together, Hopefully to inspire each other, to write more, to live life a little fuller, and love a little harder. (because that's what writing does, at least for me :)
So I'll end this introduction before it gets any cheesier...
But hopefully I have given you a little blog challenge to look forward too :)
(oh...ps I have to confess... this challenge was supposed to start a couple weeks ago, and, I know, I'm so lame I'm already behind on my own challenge. So I have a little bit of catching up to do... but my wonderful friend has faithfully started the challenge.)
And please, please, if you would like to follow her wonderful blog with me... you should...
http://www.thisperpetualfunk.blogspot.com/
Since i myself have also slipped into a wee bit of an uninspired season, we are doing it together, Hopefully to inspire each other, to write more, to live life a little fuller, and love a little harder. (because that's what writing does, at least for me :)
So I'll end this introduction before it gets any cheesier...
But hopefully I have given you a little blog challenge to look forward too :)
(oh...ps I have to confess... this challenge was supposed to start a couple weeks ago, and, I know, I'm so lame I'm already behind on my own challenge. So I have a little bit of catching up to do... but my wonderful friend has faithfully started the challenge.)
And please, please, if you would like to follow her wonderful blog with me... you should...
http://www.thisperpetualfunk.blogspot.com/
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