Although
today is different than most days I've spent here. Today there's a little bit
of sadness in my heart, but a lot of celebration. The days of enjoying my
mornings here in "my place" will end soon. This season is coming to a
close, but a new season is beginning, one that has been waiting for me for a
long, greatly anticipated time. For a moment I set aside the peace and quiet of
the morning, disrupted only by the red birds singing in the background, and
allowed an unexpected interruption by DJ Antoine's throbbing techno rendition
of, "This Time" fill my ears. Before I knew it, with the help of the
high dose of caffeine I had already consumed this morning, a little dance party
broke out between Nikita and I. Tears began streaming down my eyes at the
realization of what our little celebratory party was really about.
I go
through random phases when I love house music. I always find my unquenchable
love for those crazy beats bizarre, being that most of my music taste is
completely opposite than its synthesized drum machines, hi-hat symbols, and
repetitive 4/4 beats. It energizes me, inspires me to unpack all my "high
on life" feelings that sometimes drown in the the mundane of today, and it
reminds me of that little, "wild and crazy Britany" that my more
mature, sophisticated side tries to pretend does not exist.
Today as
Nikita and I carelessly jam, in the best, middle of suburbia, back porch,
bed-head, and pj's kind-of way, I'm reminded of my last techno obsessed phase.
I'm reminded of the way I was drawn to its blaring beat that took over all of
the audible space in my brain, without any remaining room for the too often
plaguing thoughts, questions, fears, convictions, and disappointments of those
days. When life was silent the piercing screams in my brain took over.
"Has everything I have ever believed actually been a lie? Are all the dreams
of what I hoped my life would become destroyed forever? Will anyone ever love
me again if they knew all that I have done? Will I ever taste the thirst
quenching fountain of peace again?" Peace. The only medicine that could
truly quiet my anxious soul. The only cure for the calamity of noise in my
brain. Peace was no where to be found. And so that synthesized beat played on,
and on. It became the jolt of electricity that drove my lifeless soul, the only
force that kept the rigor mortis from setting in. It diminished insecurity,
empowered irresponsibility, and birthed a false sense of immortality. Most of
all it became the drug that transplanted me into another psychedelic world,
where nothing else mattered, but that one strobe lit, fog smothered moment.
And this
is when the tears began to flow. Flooded with memories of resignations to never
delight in that techno beat again, convinced it would only ever remind me of my
destructive addicted state. But today Nikita and I danced to a new found beat.
The pride in my heart paralleled the recovering alcoholic in the moment it was
time to pick up that treasured chip, marking six months of accomplished
sobriety. For a moment time stopped, I breathed deep, fresh air fills my lungs,
the Peace I once longed for hydrates my heart, and the Love that I thought I
would never know, actually never left me. I wake up every morning in its
embrace, and I drift off to sleep to the whisper of its affections at night.
And I am carried throughout the day with the beautiful rhythm of it's song. And
now, with tear filled eyes in this suburban solitude, we jam. Because today
these electronic beats no longer serve to silence a war infested mind, but to
celebrate what happens when Love wins.
1 comment:
beautiful britany. miss you already :)
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